And if the idea of taking a break fills you with panic, if the thought of setting things down for a few weeks or a few months calls forth the kraken of “but if I stop, I’ll never meet anyone. ” Then I invite you to take a few deep breaths and acknowledge that you’re approaching dating with a scarcity mindset. The fear of “not enough” is steering your boat, and it’s a captain that will steer you straight into the archipelago of red flags.
Scarcity mindset – the idea that there aren’t enough eligible people out there, that we have to grasp and cling and hold onto whomever we find because there won’t be another – is the bedrock of settling for bullshit. It’s how it happens. Fear is the mindkiller and the quicksand of settling.
So, if you are feeling desperately urgent, panicked, exhausted, or even just really, really tired… take a fucking break. Even if you only turn off the apps for a few days, I promise, it’ll help. That’s not how the universe works.
We’re at our best when we are well rested and revitalized. So if your emotional bandwidth is running low, take some time to recharge before venturing back out into the waves.
What’s the Point of Dating?
Okay, so if you’re in a reasonably good headspace, you’ve got some energy again, and you’re ready to set sail, here’s a not-just-rhetorical question for you: what’s the point of dating? Why are you going on dates?
If you’re thinking that’s a stupid or obvious question, if you’re saying to yourself, “duh! To find a partner!” Well, then you’re not alone. But you also might be setting yourself up for a fair bit of frustration and disappointment.
There are a lot of clear parallels between online dating and online shopping these days. The options are abundant! We can sort and filter by a wide range of features! (Fortunately or unfortunately, dating apps don’t include reviews). But when we approach with a very specific outcome in mind, we close ourselves off to the possibility of discovery.
Think about the last time you went shopping for a very specific garment. You had an idea about what the perfect dress or coat or shoes would look like, and you went on the hunt. Was that process fun? Did you actually find the exact thing? Or did you have to go to endless stores, buy several options only to return them todella kaunis nainen, and ultimately feel frustrated and depleted?
It’s a totally imperfect analogy, but think about it. When we’re shopping for the sake of shopping, it can be more enjoyable even if we don’t find what we thought we wanted.
So the perspective shift I’d like to offer here (one that was offered to me years ago and radically improved my experience of dating) is that the point of dating isn’t to find a partner, it’s to get better at dating and relationships.
Enjoying Dating Takes Practice
When I show up to a date with the intention of getting better at dating, it takes a whole hell of a lot of the pressure off and makes it much more enjoyable. I don’t have to spend the whole time going through a mental checklist of whether my date meets my criteria for long-term partnership. I don’t have to be so vigilant, hunting for the first hint of a red flag. I can practice being really present with the person, noticing if I’m enjoying myself, if I like connecting with them.
